Recently I received a phone call. A lady-journalist was there at the other end and she wanted to know my opinion on parental fights and their effect on the children. Her question set off a chain of thoughts in my mind about this all important issue in parenting. Here are some of these thoughts.

Parental Fights- Why?

This is the relatively easy part to understand. Once again, the modern lifestyle where both parents are working is the main culprit. With both parents spending long hours in commuting to work and actually in the process of their work, it is but natural that tending to children becomes an unwanted chore. The division of labour- who does what then becomes the main flash point of fights.

When the ‘working parents’- situation is not there, there is often a tendency of one parent trying to dominate in terms of how the children should be reared and how the workload should be shared. In long term, this behaviour spawns resentment in the other parent’s mind, leading to arguments.

Financial problems, disputes over importance/influence of other in-law family members, alcohol or drug abuse, health problems, intellectual or physical incompatibility, infidelity and emotional immaturity are often the underlying causes of these parental fights.

Parental fights – How?

What form a parental fight would take depends on the social, cultural and mental make-up of the parents. From sullen silences to noisy quarrels to violent beatings- all sorts of parental fights can happen in different families.

A secure happy and loving environment at home is the protective cocoon under which children grow up to be positive and productive adults. The parental fights- if frequent and severe- break this protective cocoon and that seriously affects children’s well-being. They end up being neglected and start feeling insecure. They are often forced to take sides, which can make them confused. The mental scars of these serious fights often stay with children for a long, long time well into their adulthood.

Anxiety, depression, suspicion, paranoia, inability to positively interact and bond with people- all these things can happen to such children.

Solution

Once again, it must be said that real life situations need to be tackled on individual basis. Each case is different and should be handled differently. The parents should know that trust and love is the bond binding the family together and they should make sure that their interaction sends the right signals to their children.

It is natural to have a few skirmishes amongst parents in the day-to-day life’s stress but they should make sure that as far as possible, they should have their fights in private- away from children’s inquisitive eyes and ears.

Raised voices and raised hands are not the right tools to raise children!